30 Jan 2008

What do you think of this passage? Please leave comments below. Be brutal - I can take it.

Together Max and the kitten went back to the bedroom. He hauled off his shoes, tugging at the laces and then finally scooping one shoe off using the toes of his other for leverage. The prize gift was deposited on the floor and Max kissed his finger, and then pressed it to the creature’s head. The alcohol filled him too much now, giving him heart burn and earth shattering belches that erupted with precision timing and made the kitten shake.

“Time for a piss.”

A sound like a distant car door slamming ricocheted through the emptiness. Max cocked his ear, and stayed still for a moment.

“Is that you, Lily?”

The thick black blanket of stairwell and corridor was filled with his voice. Max groped the bathroom door handle and shoved it, relieving himself a little in the wrong direction firstly, and then with his eyes closed he swayed to the tune of his own piss splattering the floor. He heaved an appreciative sigh, shook, zipped up and started back towards the emptiness. It was then that he found her.

“Fuck” he screamed, almost too loud to be heard. “Fuck”

The curdled tones echoed throughout the flat. His hands clutched his hair and again he screamed. The tiny kitten crawled under the bed and lay down, trembling.


FPDuck said...

That's... wow.

I can't find fault with it. It's well paced, with a decent level of humour and tension, and makes me want to read more. It's certainly the kind of writing that I'd buy a book for should I pick it up in a shop and flick through it.


FPDuck said...

Oh- one minor grammatical error however. You've missed the period after the second "Fuck".

Also, have an award.

'Tis here, at the bottom of the post.